5 Tips on Talking to Kids About Pronouns & Gender
As parents we are expected to be subject matter experts on hundreds of topics—from the endless whys (why is the sky blue, why do I need to listen, why why why?) to math homework and everything in between. Then there are subjects that shape the type of person our child will become that sometimes stump us, and force us to have an answer we may not immediately have. And yet, these are the conversations that define us as parents. The use of pronouns as they apply to self-identification can fall into this category.
Whether you’re Gen X or a Millennial parent, the addition of new pronouns and terms (i.e., gender fluidity, nonbinary, transgender, etc) can be overwhelming as any new information might, but it is important that we take the time to learn and understand so that we can answer our children’s questions and teach them with compassion. While we commonly use he/she in our everyday life, for queer, gender non-conforming, non-binary, and transgender people, these pronouns may not fit, which can can cause stress and anxiety. A recent study from the University of Texas, published in Journal of Adolescent Health, showed that in transgender youth, using correct pronouns and names reduces depression and suicide risks. Furthermore, children of all ages are consistently exposed to the diversity of the world around them. As parents, we should be prepared and welcome the opportunity to engage in meaningful conversations.
We encourage everyone to do your own research on the topic and find the resources most appropriate for you and your family. As a starting point, we are sharing tips on talking to kids about pronouns from Dr. Sheryl Gonzalez Ziegler, author of Mommy Burnout and Dr. Zabina Bhasin, MD, founder of In KidZ at our recent online event, Mastering Tough Conversations with Kids. While the discussion covered a variety of topics, Dr. Ziegler and Dr. Bhasin were able to offer their expert insight on answering your kids’ questions on gender identity and pronouns. If you missed this excellent event, you can watch it on demand here.
Be Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
Sometimes the hardest part of having a conversation with our child, no matter what age they are, is knowing that it can be uncomfortable. But pause—are they uncomfortable or are you? If a child is asking a question or if you overhear them talking, they are curious. They want information so they can process whatever they are seeing around them. In all likelihood, we may feel uncomfortable because we want to get the answer right or we may not feel confident in the information we do have. That’s not a reason to avoid the topic. The curiosity is not going away. And it shouldn't. Make a plan and have an age-appropriate conversation. Shushing or silencing a child tells them that the thing they are asking about is somehow shameful, bad, and not to be discussed. It tells them that the person they are trying to understand is also bad and taboo. Just remember, having uncomfortable conversations is part of being a really great parent and a great role model.
1. Meet Them Where They’re At
Before going overboard on anything, take the time to communicate with your child on what their understanding of the subject is and really what their questions are. As parents, we tend to babble, overtalk and complicate things when feeling uncomfortable (see above). Lead the conversation with “what do you know and what are your questions?”. An older child might have very different questions than a 3 year old who just wants to know if someone is a “boy or a girl.”
2. Learn With Them
In all likelihood, you will get a question about pronouns and gender that you might not know the answer to. That’s AWESOME. What a great activity to do together. By learning with our children and doing so with curiosity and openness, we are instilling incredible values in them. In order to do this effectively, we must remember two things:
It’s okay to say “I don’t know. Let’s find the answer together.”
Don’t make assumptions.(this is critical as it applies to this conversation):
Even if the question is “Is that a boy or a girl?”, by assigning a presumptuous pronoun, not only are we risking getting the answer wrong and disrespecting the individual, we are also missing out on an opportunity to have a conversation about the topic with our child. There are a lot of resources available (by age) that can assist us in the understanding and explanation of biological sex and gender indentification.
3. Use Play To Learn
Someone once said, “Play is children’s language and toys are their words.” We couldn’t agree more. Pretend play is certainly a factor that contributes to gender identification. It can also be used as a tool in helping younger kids understand the world around them. If a child is curious about the gender of a friend, why not use a baby doll without a specifically feminine or masculine outfit and see how your child reacts. If your child is pretending to be a nurse or a pirate or even a lion, ask them “what does that mean to you?” The conversation and play do not need to be explicitly focused on gender for them to respond in a way that helps them to connect what they see daily.
4. Be Their Safe Place
It’s important to remember that no matter what, you don't have to get it right all the time. You just need to create a dynamic where your children can come to you, feel safe, and—here’s the kicker—keep coming back because they know they are safe. Your child needs to know that their questions are valid no matter what. By taking the time to ask them questions, really listening and responding in-kind to their curiosities and concerns without judgment, you are communicating with compassion and empathy. Quick tips for being their safe place:
Find the right time to have a conversation so you can really focus on them without any distractions.
Thank them for sharing their questions and concerns.
Ask them more questions and learn together (see above).
Tell them you love them and check-in.
Yes, this is a lot of information on just starting to explain pronoun usage to kids, but at the end of the day, let your actions do the heavy lifting. Our kids are like sponges. They soak up everything. We help them process. By doing so, we are raising a compassionate and inclusive generation.
We encourage you to do your own research that best fits you and your family. Here are some great resources:
Additional Resources
American Academy of Pediatrics: Gender Identity Development in Children.